It’s me again. Still with confuse and cynical thinking but somehow believe that there is always a good side in every person – me not exception but still (again) I am dumb.
I don’t know since when I become kind of person who cares so much about myself. I mean myself is the fuck of being me. I often want to make myself get what I want. And it has to. What I think I should get. I think I should feel. When myself told me, “you should try” or “there is nothing wrong with your feeling”, or “just let it be”. So, yeah the part of me convince that is ok.
But, as the times goes by and I still don’t know what I really want and no measurement or proof that indicate me become a better person, I start to think again – what’s wrong with me? Is it because of myself? Is it because of myself that always allowed me to do anything that I want? Is it because I always think there is no wrong with what I do? What’s makes me like me now?
Why myself can’t tell me what I really want. Instead, I always know what I don’t want. Though sometimes I have no reason why I don’t want those things or do those things. The fact that I don’t know why am I act like I am now. I think I’m not ready yet to be brave. To be myself. To be different. To work hard to find my own path. To find out what I really want.
I allow myself to follow what people told me to do. I allow myself to not aware of what myself needs. I’m hiding. Always hiding. That’s all I know now. But hiding from what? I don’t wanna know. That’s me.
They say no one of us really want to growing up. It could be true. Because sometimes we just like a 5 years old kid.
We do whatever we want and don’t even know we could feel hurt and pain at the same time. And most precious thing being a kid is i think we can cry so hard for no reason and without thinking what people gonna say.
But here we are. In this world. With the R for Reality. Not always makes us happy neither sad but enough to makes you being you now.
We’ve been through a lot. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we care. Sometimes we don’t care. Sometimes we love. Sometimes we hate.
The R gave us so many lesson to learn. Bad and good. Sadness and happiness. Friends and enemies. Time after time we grow as a person who want to be a better and better. In the R we can feel anything.
Though sometimes we also feel like a piece of shit and life is suck. There is always be a good part of it of course. We just need a positive gratitude for our own life. That’s it!
I think it was still like a shit, Re. Indeed.
Then… you gotta find out!
Stay and do what you think that is the right thing to do. You’ll know.
What makes you can’t sleep at night
What makes you keep thinking
What makes you always wondering why
What makes you wake up every morning
What makes you need to do something
What makes you keep going
What makes you need to having friends
What makes you feel
And what makes you love someone
For me, I don’t even know what I’m talking about. I just want to write as same as I don’t want to write.
This thing like this, always happen everytime I try to tell something. Something I care the most. And it’s still hard for me to say. I’m sorry.
“I distrubute newspaper. I only planned on working for a few months after I graduated high school, but that turned into three years. I dont want to be stuck in a dead end job my whole life. I should go to college. I just have a hard time following through. The moment any little thing goes wrong, I just put it off. I dont know, maybe I’m depressed. When I was kid, I’d stay up all night messing with software. I’d download a program, change the source code, and try to run it. I just wanted to see what would happen. If it didn’t work, I’d keep trying. I loved it. It was fun. Sometimes I’d stay up all night. Recently I tried to do it again, but nothing felt fun anymore. Everything just feels like work.” – Humansofnewyork
Those, what he said seems so… me. I just feel the same. It’ve been two years i work here. Writing about business topics. I dont know actually what kind of business what I’m writing about. Just feels i have to because I get money from it. I was excited when I’m begin. I want to know more and more about what I’m writing about. That was reason I’m engaged on my work. Though I know that was not subject I’m interested about to write. But I still keep going. Sometimes it was fun but sometimes i wonder when I have to stop. Because everything just feels like work.
you dont need a thousand friend to tell you that you’re doing wrong
you dont need a hundred of people to shout at you that you are suck
you dont need a bunch of coworker to smile at you and said you better to learn much more
you should be able to feel it all by yourself
’till someone like a stranger can see it from your face
and said it all to you, even you didnt ask him to
didnt you think how weird it is ? How it could be ?
How could be someone you just meet, told you the most important things in your life.. everything that your friends, your coworkers, your family didnt do it to you ?
Have you know what most important thing in your life ?
For me .. One of that is My Parents
I’ve been reminded ..
An ode to those times when everything seems backward
Most days are to say the least rightside up
Most. Nearly all. Almost all
But.. there are some Upside Down Days
What is an Upside Down Day ?
It’s a day when …
Bees won’t sting
Bells won’t ring
Cows won’t moo
Ghost won’t boo
Salt won’t shake
Glass won’t break
Clocks won’t tick
Glue won’t stick
When rollers won’t skate
And day won’t break
That’s when you can say
It’s an Apside Down Day.
From Book of Upside Down Day by the Head of NASA’s Public Affairs Office
-Via Ms Popova-