It’s me again. Still with confuse and cynical thinking but somehow believe that there is always a good side in every person – me not exception but still (again) I am dumb.
I don’t know since when I become kind of person who cares so much about myself. I mean myself is the fuck of being me. I often want to make myself get what I want. And it has to. What I think I should get. I think I should feel. When myself told me, “you should try” or “there is nothing wrong with your feeling”, or “just let it be”. So, yeah the part of me convince that is ok.
But, as the times goes by and I still don’t know what I really want and no measurement or proof that indicate me become a better person, I start to think again – what’s wrong with me? Is it because of myself? Is it because of myself that always allowed me to do anything that I want? Is it because I always think there is no wrong with what I do? What’s makes me like me now?
Why myself can’t tell me what I really want. Instead, I always know what I don’t want. Though sometimes I have no reason why I don’t want those things or do those things. The fact that I don’t know why am I act like I am now. I think I’m not ready yet to be brave. To be myself. To be different. To work hard to find my own path. To find out what I really want.
I allow myself to follow what people told me to do. I allow myself to not aware of what myself needs. I’m hiding. Always hiding. That’s all I know now. But hiding from what? I don’t wanna know. That’s me.